Being someone with a closed personality
As far as I can imagine, I used to be someone who imprisoned myself from outside world since I was kid. I remember when I was still in kindergarten, I had no closed friends at all to share lunch boxes together or had a fun play around school playground.
It transpired until I came to university. I could name a few people that I may label as a friend with barely one hand. I did not join any clubs or organizations back then. My life was evolving around back and forth from campus and dorm. I rarely went out with friends, either. I rather strolled around the cities, hunted cozy cafes alone, and read a book in a pleasant place without someone else interrupted me with any small talks. I enjoyed my own company back then.
Yet, it is totally opposite now ever since I live in another city for a job after graduating from university and realized I had no one to rely on and felt somehow lonely and empty inside. I came to understand that I was far away from my closed friends (that few) and had to deal with life completely alone. I sobbed around one year onwards acknowledged that I made a mistake from the beginning by not opening up to various opportunities to socialize with other people.
It is not only that I lost so many chances to make friendships with others, yet alongside the chances to grow with them, to share ideas and experiences, to gain any kind of life spectrums with other human beings. I end up being someone who had almost zero experience around anything that I should get when I share my time and efforts more with others.
It is pretty late to realize this when I am 27 already. When I currently want to socialize with people yet they wind up at the state now they prioritize other things than making friends, e.g. works, partners, families, hobbies, etc. They completely done with that when they were in adolescence, that time when I had no idea about sharing life with someone else.
Moreover, it is getting worse when the fact of this past blunder leads me to have no partner to share stories and dreams together right now. I did not prioritize any forms of relationship before, let alone a search for romance. I put a solid wall around myself that anyone are not allowed to come in and see me. I was totally that reserved person who chose the corner area rather than central one and was able to keet myself silent all day long without interrupting anyone else.
It might be the reason people felt somewhat awkward to talk to me since I acted unfriendly and barely tried to open any discussions with them.
With all consequences that I have realized lately, I do have desire to change it for sure. I put my whole efforts to learn how to socialize with people, to break my insecurities talking to people, to win someone with small talks, to lead some conversations, to let myself shinier in circles. I am trying, really.
