Life update, after broken heart phases and turning 27

I’ve been writing my thoughts not just recently, been years, from opening up to the majority, yet now I choose a few to read and understand my thoughts and feelings, since I know not many people are able to verdict my writings in a way that I want people perceive myself as a person.

It’s a big move for me who’ve been struggling with inferiority complex for years. I choose Medium as a platform to pour in my expressions and beliefs that I couldn’t convey them all to people, at least here, you who right now read this story are strangers to me or at least someone who have the same interest on writing, prose, etc. like myself.

It’s been few days since I’m turning 27.

The past one year hit me hard to the point I couldn’t handle it correctly. Mixed feeling, overloaded head, it consumed me, really.

I was broken and still on progress to manage it, from flighting here and there to now trying to fight the insecurities and the battles I’m already in.

I’ve tried, I’ve tried to live life better, I’ve tried to manage my overthinking spirals, I’ve tried to take control of my feelings, dealt with so many flaws that I’ve been suffering for.

And now It is really a good time to wave goodbye to peoples and moments that have caused me crazy for years.

I choose to grow, to rise, to blossom, to nurture myself more.

Really growing means exploring a lot of horrible things about yourself. It’s more than just acknowledging your worst traits. It’s about examining them, figuring out where they come from, and what triggers them. Then the worst part is suffering and crying throughout the phases.

It is nor that I hate people or the circumstances that happened in the past.

I know people are on a different journey in their life. I know it takes time for people to grow and evolve, so do I.

It’s our journey and we have to make mistakes in our own way, and we know we sometimes hurt others both intentionally and unintentionally in this process.

You don’t claim to know and do better than them. We’re humans with bright and dark sides of ours, each. Mistakes humble us, we are in our own battle with life.

Dear my friends, through this writing, I humblely acknowledge that I am flawed, like everyone else, adulting is hard, but I am relieved that I’d rather swallow my ego than ignore my mistakes.

Thanks to my friends, that keep making jokes with me, put concerns on my situations, choose silence when conditions and any kind of converstations might destroy me more or even speak up to me to make me better off facing this world.

From crying like a stuck pig to smiling and laughing freely with some of them, I’m forever thankful for that.

It is such liberating yet worrying feeling simultaneously to show my own colors to people, but I think it is part of the journey I should try to embrace more, to take decisions, face the risk, and accept the consequences. We’re all unique, and it perhaps okay that I show mine to the world.

I might have realised upon writing this post that part of me is so passionate about what I jotted down while the other part is being very insecure about it because I’m afraid of not being a hundred per cent sure what others think.

I’ve written more than a hundred reminders about “stop fretting over what others think”, but I still do it, all.the.time.

Yet writing this feels liberating in a way. The chunk of worries that stuffed my throat has now partly gone.

Been years I’m feeding my fears too much. I told my friend “my chess hurts with anxiety”.

I have solid walls that I have placed around myself, preventing me from moving forward. But now, I try to embark on different journey.

Maybe through writing, I can heal myself better, structuring my random thoughts into pattern. Thus I know clearly what should I do next.