What the state am I currently in?

After one year of terrific heartbreak, alongside the feeling of not worthy enough, questioning my own values, ruminating my life as a whole again, I’ve come to the state now I need to better love myself than I’ve ever done before.

At first, it is rather hesitating and painful to keep going when the main root booster of this movement is because you want to prove him and people that you are happy and shining even without their existences.

But, after validating all the feelings that I’ve been passing through over the past one year (and ahead for sure), I know that everything that I am currently feeling is normal and okay to not overly be examined and questioned.

I let the pains come with me whenever they want and the time still ticking in, until they’ve done with me, put me on a healing state again, and absorbing all the learnings.

I am in the state that will forever be ready for all possibilities and events. There are admittedly times when I am sobbing like a stuck pig with airpods in my ears listening to sad songs with slower tempo, enhance the bitter vibe to the next level. But I let as it is.

I don’t curse myself again as I immerse myself to the blackhole for someone that is not even put a concern to me. The pains are part of the journey that I make friends with.

I dare to say that I still love him although not as deep as before, since the reality starts to make total sense. It still hurts a lot every time I imagine that he is with another one right now and even not a single second care about me anymore.

But glad that I am still going on, I learn something new every single day with a more positive mindset. I put effort to get out of bed every morning to work vigorously, read books, learn any new skills that I’ve been putting off for decades.

I meet friends, laugh freely, enjoy moments with them while at the same time I also give time for myself alone to fix up my own life one by one. I put a very good boundary with external walls right now without too much putting borders with any chances that come with it.

My time has been very organized and productive lately. I work well, socialize with the right people once in a while, and drown to my own life to better off myself with any kind of opportunities and resources that I currently have. I am happier, really. As in, I’ve been cried less recently. and that is somehow a remarkable progress.

You know that people will come and go in your life, you choose to live life to the fullest with them as long as the chance conspires to, then let them go if the time has come.