When you are not feeling secure anymore with your best friends
I used to tell everything with my best friends, yeah not just one person, but there are some others. I communicate (almost) all my personal stories to them, even my vulnerability moments, my weaknesses, my flaws, my imperfections, just anything.
Of course, I put a limit not to share this recklessly to anyone, again to whom I supposed to call them my best friends.
But yet, the relieved and comfortable feeling that I used to feel as if I know that someone has known me better than anyone else starts turning to something different, I feel ‘unsecured’ with them.
Whenever I do something, for instance post something on social media, I feel the strange feeling that they will perceive me differently as they know me in the background.
I felt more insecure.
Some of them that pretty much ‘know’ me are a couple. I frequently make assumptions in my mind that they will make me as their topic in their daily chats. I often imagine them acting like a spy, who looks at me from afar, inspecting me to then put that into their conversation about either my progress, or my behavior that is getting worse.
Ever since that realization, I really cut down the intensity to share everything with them and everyone. I filter deliberately what I am saying to people now. I don’t let myself be like an open book. I keep major parts private, and dig deeper on my own whenever I get trouble on something. I started to rely on myself more than I’ve ever imagined.
I know that this is one to many forms of trust issues that I have suffered for years. I know that I need to fix this up. But I could not let people destroy me more.
From now on, I will put God first whenever I feel uneasy about something. I know God will direct me to enlightenment eventually. Either the answers just come all of a sudden or He will guide my heart and mind to seek the answers from external sources, maybe from people and my surroundings. But I reduce any chances to straight ask suggestions from people. I will invoke in prayer to God first. Because that’s how humans are actually encouraged to do.
